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Abide with Me

I had a friend tell me once that while all eyes are on the bride, she loves to watch the groom just to see his face the first time he sees her. Sometimes I do this with the sunset.  While the sky lights up orange and pink and the sun sinks over the horizon, I’m watching the gathering dusk in the east.  On the best nights, the clouds reflect back the colors of the sunset in shades of darkness.  And I feel my spirit there in the eastern sky, wondering how long I will be held here before dawn breaks again.  Wondering if the sun will rise. It’s a curious thing when out of the depths you are crying for the God of the Universe to be as real as you think He is while you cross your arms and refuse to let Him close enough to prove it...  when your fear and your want are dueling it out, and your heart is caught in the crossfire.  It isn’t as if you’ve never been here before.  You know how expectation always ends:  wretched disappointment and shattered hope.  You have decades of experience in
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It’s a Hard Love...

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So my pastor does this thing where he likes to preach on really convicting subjects.  Today it was, “Jesus loves you.”  To be clear, to someone like me there is nothing more difficult to hear.  “Jesus loves you.”  I’m that person in the back of the room going, “Nope.  La la la la la. Can’t hear you.”  Before you sit me down and let me know that this response is cray cray, let me assure you:  I’m well aware.  In fact, no one could possibly be more aware of her own shortcomings than this girl on the other side of the screen.  No one tells herself more often how little she deserves that love.  Because this girl?  She knows exactly what she’s done. So while my pastor was doing his preach thing and my poor hubby was wondering why his wife was crying AGAIN, God and I were having a little tête-à-tête. I poured out my heart in my beat up journal, and He poured out His heart in my beat up spirit.  Words were had.  Gauntlets were thrown.  And finally it was just this:   I’m mad at You,
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Yet will I Sing...

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"I will follow You." "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." "Send me." There are words you can't unsay. There are prayers you can't take back. And there are things I can't unsee and things I can't unknow. Would I still have followed so hard after You if I had known where You were going? Would I have begged for Your broken heart if I had known the cost? Would I have asked to be sent to the places I have been? Would i have said yes? I find myself on uneven, holy ground- feet scorched and blistered, wondering how much further I have to walk. Wondering how much more this will cost me. Wondering how much more I have to lay down. Is this how Abraham felt when what You required was his child?   God, why do the holy things have to be so hard? When you said to count the cost before beginning the work (Luke 14:25-34), how could i have ever considered or estimated?  How would i know that it would be lost sleep... lost meals... lost fa
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Your grace abounds in deepest waters...

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It's not very often I spend much time with my own wishful thinking.  (out loud, anyway.) But for today.  For today, I will be wishful.  Today I will load up everything I own, pack up the hubs, and move to California with all of my people.  Yes, you.  Today, we are going on an adventure.  Today we are going to be stowaways on a Navy aircraft carrier.  Today, we are going to follow my big brother to the ends of the earth.   Today I wish my arms were oceans.  Oceans that wore my blue from the inside out.  Oceans that rob distance.  Oceans that could hug you without breaking.  I wish my arms were oceans that could carry you far away and home.    Today I wish my biggest hopes and dreams for you on my Daddy God's feet.  That you would be safe.  Warm.  Happy.  That four years would pass quickly.  That no matter how far away you go you won't feel far away.  That we would miss you sweetly, not sadly.  (He's going to have to work really hard on that one.)  That
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The question was raised as my conscience fell... a silly little lie...

What if men and women were equal? It's the question we're tackling.  And in the classroom, it has a predetermined end. That's OK.  I know the ultimate predetermined ending, so I can stand on this. But it's there in my heart, longing for answers... that burning question that only He can answer.  What was on Your heart when You made her?  What did You see when You said, "It is good"?  What was it like for her... to walk in perfect communion with You?  How did she stand it... the weight of knowing You... of knowing with perfect clarity that she was fearfully and wonderfully made?  What was it like to be before You as she was?  What kind of woman was she... this dream of Your heart?  This first of us?  What did feminine look like to You? I will study these theories late into the night.  But it's Your heart I long to know. Does it hurt You that we are so divided??  Does the weight of our expectations toward one another... the separations we cause.
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Just a pebble...

In my heart, I am a runner... just like you would expect. I flee from the things that make me uncomfortable. "She wasn't iron when I met her, but she sure is now."  A flinch and a flight.  "That was a beautiful prayer."  Hedge and run.  "You have such a gift."  Beat feet like Fred Flintstone. How many times will I turn my back on what You did without ever pointing to You??  I can't reconcile or wrap my mind around words of encouragement and love.  After all, I know me.   There I am, at the bottom of the spiritual pile. And that anyone would see You and mistake Your work for anything I have done... I run from that.  Cheetah style. Last month, I was blessed to hear a teaching on Peter on the radio.  Let me just say, I am so stinking grateful that Jesus loved Peter.  I have a lot of Pauls in my life.  I need to read about Peter every once in a while to avoid being crippled by spiritual envy. Peter walked on water... and sank.  Peter denie
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Son of man, can these bones live?

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You're going to think I'm completely arrogant when you read this.  Obviously by now, I am deeply concerned with what you think of me. (That sounded cavalier, but really , I wish I could care a little less.) But here's my take on things: There are entire sections of the Bible that did not even exist before I discovered them. No, really. Sometimes, it's something completely soothing, like how good and perfect He is in the face of all that I am not .  Sometimes it's something bold, like a declaration of His capability .  Sometimes, it is something I desperately need, like a promise of what He is going to do .  Sometimes, it is a reminder, like an alarm clock He sets off in my heart .  Sometimes, it's something that I've read a thousand times before, but He grants me fresh eyes to see . Bits and pieces of Words that cut away the parts of me that don't belong to Him.  Like today. Like today when scripture appeared out of thin air.  Just a breat
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