With Arms Wide Open

I had a friend tell me once that while all eyes are on the bride, she loves to watch the groom just to see his face the first time he sees her. Sometimes I do this with the sunset.  While the sky lights up orange and pink and the sun sinks over the horizon, I’m watching the gathering dusk in the east.  On the best nights, the clouds reflect back the colors of the sunset in shades of darkness.  And I feel my spirit there in the eastern sky, wondering how long I will be held here before dawn breaks again.  Wondering if the sun will rise. It’s a curious thing when out of the depths you are crying for the God of the Universe to be as real as you think He is while you cross your arms and refuse to let Him close enough to prove it...  when your fear and your want are dueling it out, and your heart is caught in the crossfire.  It isn’t as if you’ve never been here before.  You know how expectation always ends:  wretched disappointment and shattered hope.  You have decades of experience in

So my pastor does this thing where he likes to preach on really convicting subjects.  Today it was, “Jesus loves you.”  To be clear, to someone like me there is nothing more difficult to hear.  “Jesus loves you.”  I’m that person in the back of the room going, “Nope.  La la la la la. Can’t hear you.”  Before you sit me down and let me know that this response is cray cray, let me assure you:  I’m well aware.  In fact, no one could possibly be more aware of her own shortcomings than this girl on the other side of the screen.  No one tells herself more often how little she deserves that love.  Because this girl?  She knows exactly what she’s done. So while my pastor was doing his preach thing and my poor hubby was wondering why his wife was crying AGAIN, God and I were having a little tête-à-tête. I poured out my heart in my beat up journal, and He poured out His heart in my beat up spirit.  Words were had.  Gauntlets were thrown.  And finally it was just this:   I’m mad at You,

"I will follow You." "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." "Send me." There are words you can't unsay. There are prayers you can't take back. And there are things I can't unsee and things I can't unknow. Would I still have followed so hard after You if I had known where You were going? Would I have begged for Your broken heart if I had known the cost? Would I have asked to be sent to the places I have been? Would i have said yes? I find myself on uneven, holy ground- feet scorched and blistered, wondering how much further I have to walk. Wondering how much more this will cost me. Wondering how much more I have to lay down. Is this how Abraham felt when what You required was his child?   God, why do the holy things have to be so hard? When you said to count the cost before beginning the work (Luke 14:25-34), how could i have ever considered or estimated?  How would i know that it would be lost sleep... lost meals... lost fa